The Fullmetal Alchemist Meets Girls in a Sauna
by AmberTonks
Summary: Not sure how it happened, but Ed pops out of a toilet while two girls are making head cannons about him in a homemade sauna. Meant to give someone a laugh. Rated T for language and some... suggestive head cannon making. Please R


**A/N As Ironic as this may be, Sowrongit'srachel and I actually came up with this idea in a sauna... and I decided to write it! **

Two teenage girls in bathing suits walked into a small bathroom and turned the shower as hot as it would go; with full intentions of turning the bathroom into a steam riddled, homemade sauna.

"Maybe this will be just what we need to get our inspiration flowing." The slightly shorter, brunette girl who was holding two cans of pepsi.

"Hope so, well it should steam up fairly quickly." The other girl with wavy, layered black hair said as she sat down on the carpeted floor, her back to the addicting wallpaper that looked like a forest in the beginning of Autumn.

The brunette slid down the wallpapered wall to sit next to her friend and handed her her pepsi. "Okay, so! Head cannons, any ideas?"

"Hmmmm." The other girl answered before she opened her pepsi and took a sip. "Dunno, Cass, you got anything?"

"If I had an idea," the girl called Cass started. "I would have told you."

"Okay, okay." The other girl held up her hands in defense. "Umm how about the whole Ed + Alcohol equation?"

"Good first topic, Livi. Anyways, I don't think he could handle his alcohol particularly well, but he'd enjoy drinking." Cass laughed a bit at the thought of a drunken Edward Elric.

"Completely with you on that." Livi agreed while she nodded and laughed.

"Next topic for discussion; we'd decided that Ed gets shot **(A/N this is based off an actual brainstorming session for a fanfic, don't judge us)**, but would he be one to follow the doctor's orders and take his pain medication? I'm an advocate for no." Cass opened the next head cannon discussion topic as the room continued to go up in heat and humidity.

"I'd definitely say he'd refuse taking any kind of medication, mostly because he's stubborn. I think Al'd try to make him though."

"I also think that he'd get into so much pain it'd make him..." Cass hesitated for a moment to find the correct words, "Physically ill."

"Most definitely. We love our Ed torture, don't we?" Livi laughed and agreed, yet again, to her collabo partner's idea.

"Couldn't make a fanfic without it." Cass mused. "Another topic; how would Ed be in the sack?"

Without even a moment's hesitation the dark haired girl answered, "He'd suck the first time." Then she noticed the double meaning of that comment, "Not literally of course."

"hahahah!" Cass cracked up once she'd noticed the double meaning for herself. "Yeah, Rebecca **(A/N Rebecca is the name of the OC for the fanfic.) **would find it disappointing."

"Well, he is a virgin; knowing him and his cluelessness he'd probably think it'd go in her ear." Livi joked.

Cass begun another spasm of laughter, "No, it doesn't go there, Ed!"

At that moment, something strange occurred. The steam created by the hot water pouring from the shower head begun to spin around at the ceiling. Then, an odd, plunking sound bounced off the walls of the room. The two girls, who had been continuing their conversation about the sex life of a certain anime character, turned to the toilet to see Edward Elric, crouched in an odd position in the toilet bowl.

"Where the hell am I?" He asked rudely before noticing where he was crouched and making a disgusted face.

The two girls stared at him, stunned and confused.

Edward, in the meantime, climbed out of the toilet and stepped onto the carpet with his wet boots. "Why is it so steamy in here?"

The girls continued to stare at him.

"Are one of you going to answer me? Apparently, if you know how I am 'in the sack' you can answer a damn question!" He asked, infuriated at the two.

The darker haired girl then snapped out of the star-struck moment, "First off, it's called a head cannon. Secondly, why the hell are you in my friend's bathroom in California?"

Cass continued staring, blinking occasionally while she tried to wrap her head around the concept of a fictional character popping out of her toilet.

The word 'head cannon' seemed to be a foreign concept for Ed; who'd completely ignored that part of the sentence. "And where is California?"

"America." Cass answered.

"America?" Ed asked, completely lost.

"You're not in Amestris anymore." Livi imitated the well known line from the wizard of Oz.

"Wait, how do you two even know me? I've never seen you before in my life, and if we're not in Amestris you couldn't have heard of me." Ed inquired, finally noticing the full fact that they'd known his name and enough about him to be formulating these 'head cannons'.

"Anime." Livi answered bluntly.

"Anime?" Ed repeated the word that he'd never heard before.

"A Japanese style of animation; you're actually from one of the famous ones." Cass explained what anime was the best way she could to a character from one.

"I'm not animated! Nor am I Japanese!" Ed yelled back at them.

Livi had gotten out her iTouch and pulled up an episode of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood that she'd downloaded from iTunes. "Here, watch this."

She'd handed him the iTouch at the same moment Colonel Mustang had made a crack on his height, causing Ed to scream, "WHO IS HE CALLING SO SHORT HE'D GET LOST ON A CARPET!"

The two girls cracked up at this, holding their stomachs from laughter. "Priceless." They said in unison.

"Wait, I remember this!" He commented on the video.

"Really? Guess it's accurate then." Cass giggled.

"This is confusing! AND WHY THE HELL IS IT SO HOT AND MUGGY IN HERE!" Ed screamed as he rubbed the spot where his flesh shoulder and automail arm connected.

"Because it's a sauna..." Livia answered, "It's SUPPOSED to be hot and muggy."

"Well turn it off, it's pissing me off." He groaned at the two of them.

"Fine." Cass said as she stood up and turned the water off. "Now that we've answered your questions, how about you answer ours?"

"Why the hell would I want to do that? Plus, I don't even know your names!" Ed said.

"Livi."

"Cass, now will you answer?"

"No, I don't have any reason to." Ed pouted.

"Equivalent Exchange." Livi brought up one of the fundamental laws of alchemy, "We answered yours..."

"You answer ours." Cass finished her best friend's sentence.

"Fine, what are your questions?" Ed relented.

The two girls looked at each other, smiling mischievously. "How are you in bed?" They asked in unison to confirm their head cannon.

Ed looked like he'd reached an all new level of hell.

**A/N Please review! All comments welcome! **


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